Cass & Emma
July 16, 2025
EP 223: Q+A: "We’re In A Sex Lull & He Won’t Initiate..."
In this week's episode we're answering one of YOUR questions with a combination of expert tips and personal experience.
The Question: “Hi there! Been a looooong time listener of the pod and have a question/need for advice. My fiancé and I have been together for almost 4 years, we’re in a super healthy relationship, and I feel very happy with him. The last few months or so, our sex life has been a little less than normal and less than what I hoped for. We still have satisfying sex, but not as frequently, and it’s pretty formulaic—we go to what we know works. I feel like I’m initiating more (probably 80% me, 20% him), and because of that, I get told no more, which never feels good. I’ve been wanting to get out of this lull to make our sex life fantastic again.
Then a few days ago, I woke up and saw him looking at sexual reels of Instagram models, saving and screenshotting them. He didn’t know I could see his screen, and I haven’t said anything. We both watch porn and have talked about boundaries—this doesn’t cross any, but I still feel so bad/jealous/insecure. I think it’s because when we talk about porn abstractly, it’s easier to process, but actually seeing it hurt my feelings.
My brain keeps telling me the story that he has sexual feelings about these women that he doesn’t seem to have about me, and I hate that thought. I’m upset with him, which isn’t fair because he didn’t break my trust, but it really sucked to see. I’m feeling like I don’t want to be affectionate right now. I wish I could be more evolved about this, and I’d love your perspective/advice on how to move past this and not be so hurt by something very normal.”
What We Cover in This Episode:
- How to get out of a sex lull. Whether things have gotten routine or you're not having sex as often as you'd like, we share ways to shift the energy and reignite desire.
- Rethinking what it means to initiate sex. Initiation doesn’t always have to be physical or as blunt as "want to have sex?" We walk through ways to initiate that feel natural, playful, and pressure-free.
- How to figure out what your partner needs (without guessing). Questions to ask, things to notice, and ways to open up honest convo about how he experiences intimacy and desire.
- Tools to navigate rejection without resentment. We share strategies to help both partners handle “not tonight” moments with care, like setting expectations, creating opt-in moments, and building connection even when sex isn’t on the table.
- When he’s looking at Instagram models...what does it mean and what should you do? We unpack the feelings that come up when your partner engages with sexual content online, how to rework boundaries around it, and what to say if it hurts, even if it technically doesn’t “break a rule.”
- Specific phrases to help you start and steer the conversation. We give you language you can borrow or tweak, including a mini role-play of how we’d personally approach this chat.
- Tools to spice things up and try something new. From foreplay ideas to spicy games, we suggest ways to add novelty, connection, and fun back into your routine.
- A big heaping dose of validation, because this is hard. If you’re the one initiating most of the time, feeling rejected, or wondering if it’s even okay to bring this up, you’re not alone, and you’re not asking for too much.
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